CANCER (PART 3)
Today, most people with cancer are treated in the outpatient setting – they don’t have to stay in the hospital. During this time they often need help, support, and encouragement.
Cancer survivors with strong emotional support tend to better adjust to the changes cancer brings to their lives, have a more positive outlook, and often report a better quality of life. Research has shown that people with cancer need support from friends. You can make a big difference in the life of someone with cancer.
How to Be a Friend to Someone with Cancer:
Friends of people with cancer often want to help, but don’t know what to do. As you spend time with your friend and learn more about how cancer is affecting their everyday life, keep your eyes open for other things you can offer. See how your friend responds to different activities, and know that the situation may change as treatment goes on. Tailoring your help to what they need and enjoy most is the best way to be a friend. Here we will learn some ideas about where to start.
Take Time to Prepare Yourself
Here are some things to consider before talking to a friend who has cancer:
Process your own feelings beforehand. Learning that a friend has cancer can be difficult news to hear. Take time to acknowledge and cope with your own emotions about the diagnosis before you see him or her. This way, you can keep the focus on your friend.
Learn about the diagnosis. Your friend may not want to talk about the details for many reasons. It can be physically and emotionally tiring to repeat the same information to different people. If possible, the person’s spouse or a mutual friend may be able to give you the basics. Write it down and repeat it back to them to be sure you have the correct information. If there is information that is unknown or not shared, do not push for more.
Think about it from your friend’s perspective. Remember a time when you were scared or felt sick. Think about what it felt like. What did you want to talk about? How did you want to be treated? You may also want to prepare yourself for changes in your friend’s appearance. Fatigue, weight loss, and hair loss are common side effects of cancer and many treatments. Start your visit by saying “It’s good to see you” instead of commenting on any physical changes.
Helpful tips when supporting a friend
Although each person with cancer is different, here are some general suggestions for showing support:
Ask permission. Before visiting, giving advice, and asking questions, ask if it is welcome. Be sure to make it clear that saying no is perfectly okay.
Make plans. Do not be afraid to make plans for the future. This gives your friend something to look forward to, especially because cancer treatment can be long and tiring.
Be flexible. Make flexible plans that are easy to change in case your friend needs to cancel or reschedule.
Laugh together. Be humorous and fun when appropriate and when needed. A light conversation or a funny story can make a friend’s day. (Laughter is one of the most Powerful Healer’s)
Allow for sadness. Do not ignore uncomfortable topics or feelings.
Check in. Make time for a check-in phone call. Let your friend know when you will be calling. Also, let your friend know that it is okay not to answer the phone.
Offer to help. Many people find it hard to ask for help. But your friend will likely appreciate the offer. You can offer to help with specific tasks, such as taking care of children, taking care of a pet, or preparing a meal. If your friend declines an offer, do not take it personally.
Follow through. If you commit to help, it is important that you follow through on your promise.
Treat them the same. Try not to let your friend’s condition get in the way of your friendship. As much as possible, treat him or her the same way you always have.
Talk about topics other than cancer. Ask about interests, hobbies, and other topics not related to cancer. People going through treatment sometimes need a break from talking about the disease.
What to say
Do not be afraid to talk with your friend. It is better to say, “I don’t know what to say” than to stop calling or visiting out of fear.
Here are some things you can say to help show your care and support:
I'm sorry this has happened to you.
If you ever feel like talking, I’m here to listen.
What are you thinking of doing, and how can I help?
I care about you.
I’m thinking about you.
Here are examples of phrases that are unhelpful:
I know just how you feel.
I know just what you should do.
I’m sure you’ll be fine.
Don’t worry.
How long do you have?
Remember, you can communicate with someone in many different ways, depending on how he or she prefers to communicate. If you do not see your friend regularly, a phone call, text message, or video call can show that you care. Let your friend know it is okay if he or she does not reply.
Offering practical help
Your help with daily tasks and chores is often valuable for a friend with cancer. Be creative with the help you offer. Remember that your friend’s needs may change, so be flexible in shifting your plans as needed. Let them know that you are available if an unexpected need comes up.
If receiving practical help is difficult for your friend, you can gently remind them that you do not expect them to return the favor and you do it because you care. While not being pushy, try to suggest specific tasks. Asking “how can I help?” can be broad and overwhelming for your friend. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
Shop for groceries and pick up prescriptions.
Help with chores around the house.
Cook dinner and drop it off. Ask about dietary restrictions beforehand.
Schedule a night of takeout food and movies together.
Baby-sit children, take them to and from school and activities, or arrange for play dates.
Drive your friend to an appointment or a support group meeting. Offer to take notes during an appointment or give him or her company during a treatment.
Go for a walk together.
Think about the little things your friend enjoys and that make life “normal” for them. Offer to help make these activities easier.
Forming support teams
Organizing a support team is a great way to help a friend living with cancer. Some online communities offer tools to coordinate tasks among friends and caregivers. Shareable online calendars can help you organize activities among your friends and family. You can also make a paper calendar and write in the various activities and commitments by hand. Make sure your friend has access to the calendar so he or she knows what to expect and when.
What you can do:
Notes and calls
Visits
Conversation
Errands and projects
How to offer support
Gifts
What you can do: Notes and calls
Make sure your friend knows that they’re important to you. Show that you still care for your friend despite changes in what they can do or how they look.
o Send brief, frequent notes or texts, or make short, regular calls. Include photos, kids’ drawings, silly cards, and cartoons.
o Ask questions.
o End the call or note with “I’ll be in touch soon,” and follow through.
o Call at times that work best for your friend or set times for them to call you.
o Return their messages right away.
o Check in with the person who helps with their daily care (caregiver) to see what else they might need.
What you can do: Visits
Cancer can be very isolating. Try to spend time with your friend – you may be a welcome distraction and help them feel like they did before cancer became a major focus of their life.
o Always call before you visit. Be understanding if your friend can’t see you at that time.
o Schedule a visit that allows you to give physical and emotional support for the caregiver, too. Maybe you can arrange to stay with your friend while the caregiver gets out of the house for a couple of hours.
o Make short, regular visits rather than long, infrequent ones. Understand that your friend might not want to talk, but they may not like being alone either.
o Begin and end the visit with a touch, a hug, or a handshake.
o Be understanding if the family asks you to leave.
o Always refer to your next visit so your friend can look forward to it.
o Offer to bring a snack or treat to share so your visit doesn’t impose on the caregiver.
o Try to visit at times other than weekends or holidays, when others may visit. Time can seem the same to a house-bound patient. A Tuesday morning can be just as lonely as a Saturday night.
o Take your own needlework, crossword puzzle, or book, and keep your friend company while they doze or watch TV.
o Share music they enjoy, watch their favorite TV show, or watch a movie with your friend.
o Offer to take a short walk with your friend if they are up to it.
Don’t be afraid to touch, hug, or shake hands with your friend.
What you can do: Conversation
Many people worry that they don’t know what to say to someone with cancer. Try to remember that the most important thing is not what you say – it’s that you’re there and willing to listen. Try to hear and understand how your friend feels. Let them know that you’re open to talking whenever they feel like it. Or, if the person doesn’t feel like talking, let them know that’s OK, too.
o Gear the conversation to your friend’s attention span so they don’t feel overwhelmed or guilty about not being able to talk.
o Help your friend focus on whatever brings out good feelings, such as sports, religion, travel, or pets.
o Help your friend keep an active role in the friendship by asking advice, opinions, and questions – even if you don’t get the response you expect.
o Ask your friend if they’re having any discomfort. Suggest new ways to be more comfortable, such as using more pillows or moving the furniture.
o Give honest compliments, such as “You look rested today.”
o Support your friend’s feelings. Allow them to be negative, withdrawn, or silent. Resist the urge to change the subject.
o Don’t urge your friend to fight the disease if they feel it’s too hard to do it.
o Don’t tell them how strong they are; they may feel the need to act strong even when they’re sad or exhausted.
o Be sure to include your friend when talking to others in the room.
o Assume that your friend can hear you even if they seem to be asleep or dazed.
o Don’t offer medical advice or your opinions on things like diet, vitamins, and herbal therapies.
o Don’t remind them of past behaviors that might be related to the illness, such as drinking or smoking. Some people feel guilty over those things.
Ask your friend questions. Ask for their advice and opinions.
What you can do: Errands and projects
Many people want to help friends facing a difficult time. Keep in mind that wanting to help and offering to be there for your friend is what matters most.
o Take care of any urgent errands your friend or the caregiver needs right away.
o Run an errand for the caregiver; it’s as helpful as an errand for your friend.
o Your friend may appreciate it more if you take care of frequent, scheduled errands, rather than fewer ones that take a lot of time.
o Look for ways to help on a regular basis.
o Plan projects in advance and start them only after talking with the caregiver.
Suggested ideas:
o Get a list of tasks. Organize friends, neighbors, and co-workers to help complete the tasks on a regular, weekly basis. There are special websites that can help with this.
o Make lunch for your friend and their caregiver one day a week. If your friend is getting chemo, ask what they feel like eating.
o Clean your friend’s home for an hour every Saturday.
o Care for your friend’s lawn or garden twice a month.
o Baby-sit, pet-sit, or take care of your friend’s plants.
o Commit to taking their child to soccer practice or music lessons twice a week.
o Buy groceries, Go to the post office, Pick up prescriptions.
o Help make to-do lists.
o Drive family or friends to and from the airport or hotel.
What you can do: How to offer support
Some people find it hard to accept support – even when they need it. Don’t be surprised or hurt if your friend refuses help. It’s not you. It’s more about pride and their need for independence.
o Provide emotional support through your presence and your touch.
o Help the caregiver. In doing so, you’ll help your friend. Many people are afraid of being a burden to their loved ones.
o Offer practical ideas on what you can do to help, and then follow through.
o Assume your help is needed, even if family, friends, or hired help is also helping out.
What you can do: Gifts
Look for small, practical things your friend may need or just enjoy. Think about what their average day is like and what might make it a little better. It’s always good to laugh and smile, too, so look for fun things for your friend.
o Make sure gifts are useful right away. Small gifts given frequently are usually better than large, one-time gifts.
o Give a gift to the caregiver; it’s as welcome as a gift to your friend.
o Insist that a thank-you note is not needed.
Suggested ideas:
o Soft or silly socks, Pajamas or a robe
o Fun hats or scarves
o Bright, soft washcloths, towels, or sheets
o Silk or satin pillowcases
o Unusual toiletries, such as soap and lotion
o Favorite or unusual foods or snacks
o Self-care items, such as a cancer resource book, a special pillow, or a heating pad
o A massage device
o A small cordless phone
o Pictures of friends
o A CD or download of your friend’s favorite soothing music or nature sounds
o Funny movies
Conclusion:
When life is hard, people often feel the need to talk about what is bothering them. Talking releases stress and helps us feel better. Finding the words to describe events and feelings can help to make sense of them. And, being listened to and heard can help reassure someone with cancer that they are not going through difficult times alone.
Everyone, no matter how strong, can benefit from having a friend. Your friend with cancer needs you and your support.
Continuing friendships and regular activities after a cancer diagnosis is a great way to further the healing process. Do not forget that friends also need encouragement and support after cancer treatment has finished. After treatment, your friend will be trying to find his or her "new normal" in this next phase of life. Friendships are an important part of that. With these practical suggestions in mind, your friendship can make a lasting difference to a person living with cancer.
I want to say that giving HOPE to someone is the same as giving LIFE to that person. So keep up the good work and God Bless You.